THE EDITOR EXCHANGES

At this juncture I thought it prudent to include the email exchanges I recently had with the Contributing Editor of a big music magazine (Think the biggest) to highlight how robust failure is more satisfying than any sort of success. Remember kids, it's not about winning and losing, it's about right and wrong.

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Dear Mark,

Thanks for your interest in writing for us. Send us up some samples, we'll look 'em over! Look forward to it.

Regards, **** {Expletive deleted}
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Dear ****,
Find enclosed a couple of samples of my work. The Pipettes/Go-Team review was published in Latest 7 magazine in Brighton, and the Ariel Pink one is fresh off the slab. I've plenty of article ideas too. Off the top of my head, what about…
Music/'Culture:
'How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Comb' (A look at the default indie haircuts du jour and my evasion of them)
'Conscripton Or Cull? How To Stop The Spread Of Mid-Table Indie-Rock'
'Beg Steal Or Borrell- The Wrong Sort of Ambition In Music'
Film:
'Why The Only Twist-Endings I Like Are The Ones You Figure Out Before They Happen'
'Trailer Trash- How The Bits Before The Films Are Better Than The Films But Getting Worse'
TV:
'Please, Shoot The Messenger: The Fall and Decline of the Art of Television Presenting'
'Spoof! How Smartarses Destroyed Telly'

Ooh. I sound more bitter than I probably feel. I'd happily write all day on all manner of filmic filth, especially the Golden Age of Hollywood: Dietrich, Grant, Hepburn K. Or maybe nobody cares about those anymore. I've recently been musing on the novels of John Irving, Gunter Grass, Serge Gainsbourg and the French, television presenters and God.

Take care, Mark
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Dear Mark,
Thanks for the ideas email you sent. Some funny stuff, and it sounds like you've got lots of ideas. Maybe too many, ha-ha. Glad you've got ideas about film, as we're short in that area. As you're interested in Indie Music, maybe we could send you to review some local bands, get a feel for your style. Maybe (big maybe this, but I'm willing to pull strings for you) even squeeze you into the Razorlight gig in London next month, but you won't get paid for that one, as everyone here is killing for tickets!

Thanks, ****
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Dear ****
If you want me to review Razorlight, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist on getting paid. It's the least you can do in the circumstances.

Thanks, Mark
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Dear Mark,
It's funny. I can't tell when you're kidding. Think you're probably pulling my leg on this one. Ha. I'll let you know as soon as I can about the list for Razorlight. If we can't get you on it, we'll split the cost of a ticket with you. So you'll only be paying for half of a ticket. That's more than we usually do for our new writers. I'm going out on a limb for you cause I reckon you've got something!

Take care, ****
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Dear ****,
You're right, I do have something.

Don't worry about the Razorlight gig.

Mark
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Dear Mark,
Haven't heard from you in a while. Razorlight tickets are 35 squid, so if you can send us a cheque for 17.50, you're in. While we respect our writers integrity, It's important to remember that we have an interest in the career of certain bands, Razorlight included. I mean, we're not asking you to lie or anything, but criticism of Johnny should be kept to a minimum. I mean, there aren't any conspiracy theories on this, we're completely independent, and as he's one of the hottest talents around, I'm sure this won't be a problem, especially for someone who is getting in for half price! And anyway, everyone knows that negativity and anger is a refuge for those who have no talent and are jealous of others, and as you're a great little writer, I'm sure you don't need to go there!

Take care ****
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Dear ****

I do need to go there.

Mark
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Dear Mark,
As we didn't get the money, we're sending someone else down to the Razorlight gig. Shame, as I like you. Reading our correspondence back, I'm not sure if you were teasing me at certain points. It seems you might be on a bit of a high horse about this whole industry. Shame. Well, best of luck in future,
****
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GENESIS OF SELF-SAVAGERY

Self-Savagery No.4: Leave things unfinished to let the devil in and out. If you finish things, you can judge them for what they are, and what they often are is bloated champions. What everyone prefers is a lithe challenger, unfinished and unfussy, full of potential and needling jabs. Don’t enbalm the corpse, let it rot away.

SELF-SAVAGERY:GENESIS

This is long overdue. But then no-one said this was going to be a prolific diary. No-one said it was going to be in a sensible order.

Self-Savagery theory is named after Great Uncle Victor Dylan-Savage, who made failing at failure a lifetime success. He is chiefly known for his military service in the Boer War and his subsequent memoir, Retreat to Glory- The Coward’s Way In
Great Uncle Victor Dylan-Savage was first and foremost, to should be said, a lazy man who sought peace away from the hateful- from work, stress and other people. He was also not only a dreadful soldier, but a coward. Not a criminal, but a man who sought privacy.
He tried to desert several times and only escaped being shot by a commanding officer who smiled on him due to his ability to make him laugh with his bitter humour. He finally made good his escape one night, and charged off on the commanders horse, the fastest in the company. Unfortunately he went in the wrong direction, and troubled an advance party of the enemy, who, panicked by an apparent surprise attack, dispersed in fear. Dylan-Savage was shot through the thigh-bone, causing an injury that would see him discharged from service. When they dug the bullet from his leg, it was found to carry the slogan ‘VICTOR,’ Dylan-Savage’s Christian name. This point ruffled the feathers of the more devout members of his company and pricked the interest of his commanding officers, who saw mileage in the story of a brave hero who survived the bullet with his name on. It would be a tale to boost the morale of the troops and also of the nation far away back home. So Dylan-Savage was decorated and sent to see the Queen, whose diamond jubilee needed polishing after the war.
On his return journey, Dylan-Savage, initially hapy to escape duty, became uncomfortable with the sycophantic treatment and reverence that came from his escorts. He wanted to be left alone. He tried to talk down his achievement, saying he was a horse thief who got the Captain’s horse killed.; But they took his use of the horse to be a symbolic act of bravery, a suggestion of leadership; it said that he was worthy of promotion.
The more he tried to give up the honour, the more he was offered more. His humility was seen as a superb advert for his courage, as if all good characteristics come in clusters; all brave men are humble and witty. So he began to write the book that would sabotage his own reputation. Unfortunately it didn’t have the effect he imagined.
He produced the pamphlet, Retreat to Glory- in which he detailed exactly how he had been trying to desert his brave mates when he ran into the enemy. He included quotes from his superiors, including Corp. Smythe-Powell, who gave a glowing character reference to suggest that Dylan-Savage had ‘the taint of villainy about him, and was a lush and a liar; and if he suggests that he was attempting to desert the platoon, well I woouldn’t believe a word from his mouth.’
Despite his protests in this most honest of memoirs, the kerfuffle created was not what he expected. The nation took his protestations to their heart; Queen Victoria praised his English modesty, and his pamphlet sold everywhere. They deed not see it as a brave confessional, rather a humorous attempt to excuse himself from glory.

The more he ignored those who greeted him in the street, the more they believed in his holiness. The more he swore at kind words the more they believed they were unworthy of him; the more he ignored invitations from Buckingham Palace the more he recieved. It seemed the less he courted attention and praise the more he received. The more he sought to sabotage his reputation, the more it was raised.
For after his initial honest protestations, DS realised the yardage that existed in this false modesty. Originally his evasion from conflict was an attempt at finding peace and quiet; it bought him glory. In the aftermath, he merely wanted to deflect this embarrassing kerfuffle around him, he wanted to evade attention. But he couldn’t. So he did the next best thing- courted attention, lots of it. His false modesty was of course merely stating the truth. It meant he could never be exposed and it also meant his glory was sealed.